Jobservations

Every day has been pretty much the same. I start up my computer (actually I probably wake it up from sleep mode after leaving it on all night, because I like to murder the environment one penguin at a time). I open the internet (when I go away it’s not there right?) and I visit a few different websites. These are websites where people advertise jobs for idiots who moved to Germany without speaking German. Now it seems there are quite a few of these idiots, and I’ve been surprised to find that a lot of people are in the same boat as me here in Berlin. You know, the boat with a giant hole in the bottom of unemployment and poor language skills. The jobs are few and far between, especially those relevant to any experience I have, and the applicants are many.

Many years from now the history books will recount how before 2005 you could basically walk out of the front door clothed and get a job. That was probably all it took I reckon, the ability to dress yourself. Before I finished my degree or had any real work experience the attractive and well-paid temporary assignments would fight over me. They wanted a little summer fling with me even though they knew it would never last. Five years later and back in the same place only poorly-paid simple jobs that you had to catch a bus to get to wanted me, and even they were relatively non-commital. I’m going to say it, and I don’t want to shock or alarm anyone into austerity, but I think there might be some sort of recession…

It’s the same in Germany, especially Berlin. So it’s an especially intelligent and well-informed decision to move here at this time.

Then there were those brilliant days when a job appeared on one of these internet pages and the job description would read: Seeking one Helen. Must have the skills of a Helen and be qualified as Helen is to do things Helen would be awesome at doing.

And I would look at it for a while and I think, 'you know what? I am a Helen! I could be awesome at that job!'

I start writing my application explaining how awesome I would be imagining myself in their awesome offices with my awesome swivel chair and my awesome clicky pen with their brand logo on. I start imagining the awesome ideas I’ll come up with and the awesome insight I’ll have into the projects they're working on. I think about the awesome analysis I’ll perform on, er, things that need to be analysed, like awesome spreadsheets. I think about the awesome meetings I’ll attend and the awesome suggestions I’ll make and then I right click the word ‘awesome’ and ‘find synonyms’.

And then when I've fallen a little bit in love with the idea of doing whatever job I'm applying for I send off the application and promptly… wait. And wait. And then wait a bit more. And eventually I hear nothing and assume they’ve made the terrible decision of not wanting to hire me and thus improve their lives forever by working with me. Or occasionally they invite me to interview.

Now interviews are great when you moved to Berlin with six outfits because you have absolutely no idea what to wear. They tend to be scheduled on the hottest days of the year too in order that I can arrive and immediately clarify my competency at sweating all over an office. Interviews are scary enough as it is. At my first interview here in Berlin the first question was ‘so, what would you bring to this role and our company and how in return would we help you develop professionally, on an average day?’ That was nice and petrifying. It’s even better when all the while you know your entire future hinges on success. Your right to remain in the country you love. The possibility to continue seeing the people you just made friends with. The plans you spent the last year making and putting into effect…

Of course, I didn’t write about this before because it’s… well… it’s a bit depressing isn’t it? Here sits the heroine of this story who I know you’ve been rooting for from the outset (if only to keep her out of your country) and it’s looking pretty bleak all things considered.

Well – unexpected plot twist! I have a job.

Starting next Monday I will be working in a… wait for it… Kindergarten. With little babies. Naturally. While I’m not really sure how this happened as it’s pretty much the last thing I saw myself doing, I’m very much looking forward to it, and of course, to chronicling my adventures here. While teaching them to speak perfect English like what I do, it would be pretty awesome if they learnt to laugh like me.