How to move to Berlin

Lesson: About packing

Firstly, it’s imperative that you do this all the night before. The best method is to have three or four bags available and have no firm decisions about which one it would be best to take. It’s definitely more efficient if, to make the decision, you put all of your things into each one in turn, see how they look, and then tip them all out onto the floor.

Also, make sure that you find the most useful things, things you are likely to want and need upon your arrival, and bury them in the hardest place to find. Make sure that reaching them will involve unpacking everything else you own, and after deciding on the most hidden place promptly forget where it is amidst your things. This will come in useful later.

Lesson: About flying

I think I’m very good at flying. I know where to book my seats so that I sit next to empty ones. I know how to pack sensibly so that the things I need (for a make-over) are easy to reach. I know what to take to entertain myself so that I feel like I’m in my own little mid-air spa, so that I can arrive at my destination impossibly refreshed.

But this is for a holiday. This is not for emigration. For emigration it is important, first of all, to book the cheapest flight imaginable. If you live close to an airport, make sure the flight does not go from that airport, and instead ensure that your parents will have to drive for hours in the middle of the night to drop you off. The night part is important, because this will mean that not only is the time an inconvenience to anyone involved, but you will be at your most tired when you arrive in Berlin.

To cheat the baggage restrictions on your budget airline you must wear as many clothes as possible. I would recommend a vest top, a t-shirt, a cardigan, a jumper, a coat, a pair of leggings and a pair of jeans (but feel free to improvise based on your personal style). This will mean you have to pack fewer things and will also ensure while rushing to your gate you will be able to efficiently build up an initial layer of sweat. This is an important part of arriving at your destination at you most sweaty. On the tightly packed plane you will be able to disturb complete strangers as you uncomfortably manoeuvre to remove and then replace each of these layers. If these strangers speak German it will help you to develop a bizarre case of English Tourette's where you cannot stop saying ‘sorry’ even though you know perfectly well how to say it in German.

Lesson: About The Way

If you have travelled with me, and are Susie, you will already be aware that it’s pretty critical that you make no notes and consult no maps about the location of your hostel. A vague memory or general district will suffice.

The one way in which I am very much like a man (yes, one), is that I always know where I’m going. Even when I don’t. To emulate this, walk with complete confidence to all locations, look perplexed, and then continue to walk. If you are using a map and arrive in the wrong location then the map you have is wrong. If you board a train and it takes you west when you meant to go east then something has gone wrong with the train. You must never ask for directions. If you ask for directions, they have won. (I don’t know who "they" are… maybe the Germans?)

If you see a train, you should board it without trying to ascertain where it is going. Probability consents there is a fifty per cent chance it will take you where you would like to go. Therefore, assuming there are enough connections on your journey, the laws of probability ensure that you will arrive at your destination (they don’t). Helpfully, in Berlin, if your train is going in the wrong direction and you get off, and switch to the opposite platform as any Londoner might, you will be able to watch as the train you left turns around and takes its passengers in the right direction, and your new train takes you further from your destination.

Once you have left the train, at a guesspoint, as you don’t actually know where the hostel is, make sure you walk aimlessly, with conviction. After thirty or so minutes concede that you need some sort of help and consult the completely illegible maps on your amazon kindle. If it is a warm, beautiful day, this whole process will help infinitely with your sweat objective.

Lesson: About the hostel

The Hostel is not as my mother would imagine it, which according to her description is ‘full of homeless people’ (nope, just me). When you arrive a man will explain to you at length that he is always here to help and advise you about Berlin, that there are various walking tours and parties happening in the coming days that you would be welcome to attend. He will tell you where to buy food and drink and what you will get for breakfast (which is included). He will answer any questions you have and explain the mechanics of the funky touch-screen technology which will give you recommendations for where to go and what to see, when. He will do this all while attempting not to be distracted by your profuse sweating. But be proud that the first person to formally welcome you to the city is also the person most aware of this peak in your sweating career.

When he finishes his speech and informs you that you are unable to check in to the room (shower) and have to instead deposit your belongings in a locker in the cellar, you will come to appreciate your packing diligence as you empty all of your worldly possessions across the floor. Just remember to wait until you have repacked them, and, if you can, have left the cellar altogether, to remember any additional items you might need.

Finally, chose a trendy location (it’s pretty easy in Berlin) to set up your Dell laptop, which makes you look extraordinarily chic. Spend approximately twenty minutes trying to figure out how to connect to the internet, and eventually enlist the help of someone who can do it with the utmost ease to ensure you feel as incompetent as possible.

…

All sarcasm aside, I am in Berlin. I am trying to pinpoint any one of the many emotions I feel, but I can’t. Needless to say they are all awesome. Even at my most tired, and most sweaty (it has mainly subsided now), they are awesome. I am actually here and this is actually happening. This must be how people feel when they win Oscars or get elected president and stuff. Hmmm, this must be how people feel when they achieve something?

I know what you’re saying. ‘Helen, you’ve not yet achieved anything, you don’t have a job, you don’t speak German, you don’t have anywhere to live and you don’t know anyone.’

And to you I say ‘Sorry, I can’t hear you. I’m in Berlin.’